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Issue 345
23 October 2011
Updated Weekly

Blatter wants more players off

OLD BAG: This is an archive story from Issue 10 - 21 Aug 2003
Sepp Blatter

Blatter: Yes! Four in three matches

Sol Campbell

Campbell: Contemplating Retirement?

Malcolm Allison

Kember: The new Malcolm Allison

Red cards good for the game, says FIFA boss

FIFA president Sepp Blatter called on referees to issue more red cards in order to spice up the game.

This extraordinary statement was made to a Scandinavian sports web site Der Spooten Tuten Fluten Wuten

Footballs top man claimed that it was great entertainment for the fans. "Personally, I think it adds spice to the game." He said, "plus in some cases it can improve a teams results. Look at Arsenal last Saturday. They had that outstanding player Sol Campbell sent off for that laughable offense but The Gunners won the game."

Job Protection

Furthermore, he went on to say that the reason why FIFA keep bringing in these increasingly anal rule changes into the game is to encourage more red cards.

"Why else do you think we keep messing about with the rules each year... to keep people in work?" he laughed before coughing with mild embarrassment into his monogrammed handkerchief.

"Lets be honest." Blatter, somewhat astonishingly, continued, "Everyone loves a good sending off. The supporters can vent spleen, the media can spend hour upon hour talking and writing about it. Even the managers like it because it gives them a chance to have a whinge about referees which, as we know is their favorite activity."

"The only people who don't like it are the players who are on thousands of pounds a week anyway so who gives a toss about them."


This uncharacteristically sensible but oddly translated opinion was praised by Division One "10 men" Crystal Palace manager Steve Kember.

"My Lads 'ave been kickin' lumps out of the oppo for three games now." Kember told the Onion Bag while getting stuck in to a chicken balti at the Khyber Indian restaurent in South Croydon. "We 'ad four players sent off in three games and we're third in the league... 'ave some of that boys."

And so we duly did.

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Also in Issue 10