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Issue 345
23 October 2011
Updated Weekly

The Swiss Job

OLD BAG: This is an archive story from Issue 119 - 14 Nov 2005
David Beckham/Micheal Caine

You were only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!

Rio Ferdinand/Tony Westley

Camp Ferdy: Smelling of roses

Team bus

Wait a minute lads I've got an idea

England squad in Nazi gold caper

The Onion Bag's intrepid reporter Larry Gak can reveal that the England national squad was behind a fiendish plot to steal millions of pounds of gold bullion from right under everyone's noses while contesting an international friendly in Switzerland last Saturday.

As if multi-million pound contracts and £300,000 win bonuses weren't enough, the England players meticulously planned a heist of £20 million of Nazi gold buried in a vault under the Stade De Geneve while playing out a knockabout friendly with old rivals Argentina.

Spoils of war

The plot was the brainchild of (their names have been changed for legal reasons) "Charlie Becker", "Camp Ferdy" and "Swedish Erik". The plan was for the players to smash a hole in the changing room bath which opened up a subterranean network of tunnels leading to the cache of gold once the property of Obergruppenfurher Tinkleheppelhasselhoff, the notorious Butcher of Baywatch.

Escape to Victory

The non-playing half of the squad made their getaway in Mini Coopers while the first choice players led by "Becker" distracted the authorities with one of the most entertaining performances by an England side in many a year. After the game, the lads rushed through their post-match interviews, hopped onto the team bus (driven by "Calamity James") and rendezvoused with their team mates and the ill gotten booty.

The gold was loaded onto the bus and England made good their escape into the Swiss mountains. Or so they thought. In an all too common momentary lack of focus "Calamity" lost control of the oversized people carrier and swerved it over the edge of a cliff.

It's a mad mad mad mad world

With rescue teams, the Swiss police, and the entire population of Geneva on their way, the England squad with millions of pounds worth of gold sit precariously on the edge of oblivion. Our reporter spoke with "Camp Ferdy" on his cell phone. "The situation looks pretty grim. If we don't get out of here soon even my PR people might not get me out of this one," he said. "Mind you Becks reckons he's got an idea. I wonder what it is…"

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Also in Issue 119