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Issue 345
23 October 2011
Updated Weekly

call him thele

OLD BAG: This is an archive story from Issue 144 - 15 May 2006



Pele: He use to play football

Melanie Slade

Melanie Slade: Must stay at least 100 yards away from

17 year old wonderkid gets a brazilian

Theo Walcott is to be re-branded as the English Pele. The decision comes after the teenagers surprise selection for the England's world cup squad by their head coach Arsene Wenger.

Parallel lines

Comparisons are being drawn between Walcott in 2006 and Brazilian legend Pele who as an unknown shot to fame in the 1958 World Cup. England are hoping the parallels are sufficient to help them win in Germany this summer given the pretty much total absence of fit strikers.

Give Us A Goal

Walcott will be known from now on as Thele. "The plan is to try not to talk too much about him" say FA PR guru Ernesto Cockgroupier "We'll build things up with teaser adverts just with the word Thele. They'll go on during Coronation Street and Millionaire, perhaps during the Champions League Final. After that its full page ads in the broadsheet and centre page profiles on him and Melanie Slade. If there's time we may get him to play a bit of football."


In the event of Thele ever making it onto a football pitch in Germany, he is expected to become kicked up in the air by opposition defenders just like Pele did in 1966. To combat this, fellow England striker Peter Crouch will put his pint sized partner on his shoulders and get kicked on his behalf. "It's a sacrifice we are willing to make." said England captain David Beckham.

Rise to the occasion

Giant posters are in production from England's shirt sponsors bearing the new moniker. A new spot cream called Thelete is in development by leading drug company Pfizter who have approached Thele to, like Pele, endorse certain other medicines and lotions designed to assist gentlemen after a long evening watching England down the pub. They want all men to think of Thele and get a stiffy.

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Also in Issue 144