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Issue 345
23 October 2011
Updated Weekly

taxman nabs hand of god

OLD BAG: This is an archive story from Issue 148 - 12 Jun 2006
Hand of God

Hand of God: woefull defending

The Hand today

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Maradona short handed after Italian job

Diego Maradona's in/famous "Hand of God" has been siezed by Italian police while the lardy Argie soccer legend was visiting Naples last week.

The former Napoli player owes £39 million in back taxes from his time in Italy. Tax coppers are allowed to confiscate any item of value "within plain sight" and sell it to get some of their money back.

Double Terry

The mystical hand which Maradona used to illegally punch the ball into the net during England and Argentina's legendary world cup clash in 1986 is revered in Argentina as the instrument of Englands destruction and is used in England to cover up for Terry Butcher's terrible back pass, Peter Shilton's weak-arse punch and Terry Fenwick's entire existence.

Hand job

While the tax police were relieving Maradona of his Rolex watches it occurred to them that the attached hand would fetch a good price at auction. Maradona was understood to be opposed to the idea of having his hand severed off at the wrist but was talked around when he was promised a side of bacon and a plate of mash to help distract him during the amputation.

Pocket liner

Once the hand was removed, it was, with great ceremony, placed in a specially sealed black bin liner and couriered to prestigious English auctioneers Christies in London. Unfortunately they looked up the wrong address and the feted appendage was delivered to Brian Christie's Car Auction in Enfield.

Up yours

The five fingered symbol of Argentine colonial resistance was sold for £1,500 along with a four year old Vauxhall Vectra with 125,000 miles on the clock and a two England flags poking out of the rear windows. It was placed in the rear window and was last seen, re-shaped into an obscene gesture travelling up the M6.

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Also in Issue 148