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Issue 345
23 October 2011
Updated Weekly

Romanov: Your women are mine

OLD BAG: This is an archive story from Issue 168 - 30 Oct 2006
the movie wasn't much kop

Romanov: you're my wife now

could have been more gratuitous

Wives: kidnapped

grumpy gazillionaire

007: I am not Spock

Bonkers Hearts chairman issues new threat

Hearts owner Vladimir Romanov has dismissed his previous, varied threats to his players as nonsense - only to announce that if the team don't perform next week, he will "take their women".

League of Gentlemen

Recently, the eccentric Russian has threated to kill, maim, sell, and tickle those players whom he thinks are underperforming, despite the fact that the second-placed SPL outfit are not doing too badly considering they get a new manager almost daily.

"It is not good enough," Romanov said to himself. "Only by taking their women will they play how I want them to. Listen: I'll take their wives, girlfriends, aunties, nieces, daughters, mothers, and grandmothers. Especially the grandmothers," he bellowed through a translator.

Monte Carlo or Bust

Hearts captain Steven Pressley, who last week spoke of unrest among the players, was quick to blast Romanov's latest demand. "We don't know what Vladimir wants. And if he thinks taking our women is going to make us play better, he's mistaken. Like all footballers, we are solid, family men who value our wives."

Tales That Witness Madness

Undaunted, Romanov unleashed a frenzied pack of whooping midgets into the centre of Edinburgh last night who proceeded to round up the women in question. When all had been herded into cages on the backs of horse-drawn wagons, they trundled down Princes Street and up the winding streets into Edinburgh Castle, where the football-crazed madman lives, and chained in the grim fortress's dungeons. "They get their women back when we're top," Romanov hissed.

Scotland's great. That's why I live in Spain

Surly actor, bitter 007, and the world's most famous Scotsman Sir Sean Connery was interrupted on his Malaga golf course by the Onion Bag's intrepid reporter Larry Gak and asked about the wholesale kidnapping. He said, "I support Dunfermline and we got a draw against the Hearts so what do I care? Now f&%k off before I get you with my ejector seat."

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Also in Issue 168