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Issue 345
23 October 2011
Updated Weekly

Claridge's Millenium Bug

OLD BAG: This is an archive story from Issue 174 - 11 Dec 2006
Steve Claridge

Claridge: Four figure furore

Casio watch

Technology: In meltdown

Lord Humungus

"Let's go pitchside..."

Stat computers collapse on four figure milestone

The entire soccer statistic industry has collapsed into meltdown following the completion of 1000 professional appearances by journeyman striker Steve Claridge.

Stats the way

Across the globe player databases, websites and even some printed almanacs have gone into meltdown - the cause of which has been their incapability of storing such a high number of games played.

The events mirror the feared events from the Millenium Bug - a catastrophic series of system errors that was feared to plunge the earth into a new dark age on 1 January 2000. Fears were in hindsight completely unfounded as nothing at all happened apart from a few old Casio watches thinking it was Thursday.

I like it

Soccerbase's headquarters has been ablaze since the fateful Saturday afternoon Claridge stepped on the pitch at Bournemouth to reach his milestone. Attempts to contact the series of back-up servers dotted in secret locations across the country have resulted in nothing but static.

Reports have come in of a complete breakdown in society within the national head office of Opta. All entrances have been barricaded from within and attempts to contact any of the staff have met with violent resistance.

Ah-huh, Ah-huh

A garbled message emitted late last night gave a hint at the insanity that rules from within: "We are the keepers of the numbers... First we have your stats, then we have your power, then we have your women... Do you see me Toecutter? DO YOU SEE ME, MAN?"

An emergency system of wartime statistical computers at Bletchley Park has been recommissioned to take over in the short term. John Motson has been reported missing.

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Also in Issue 174