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Issue 345
23 October 2011
Updated Weekly

It ain't half hot, dan!

OLD BAG: This is an archive story from Issue 179 - 22 Jan 2007
It ain't half hot, mum

Meet the gang...

Danielle Loyd

Lloyd: Took bad advice

Shilpa Shetty

Shetty: Must stay at least 100 yards away from

Teddy rebuilds bridges in the community

Aging striker Teddy Sheringham is taking immediate action in repairing the damage done to race relations by his girlfriend, Danielle Lloyd, in the Celebrity Big Brother House.

Bullywood stars

The gold-digging, beauty contest cheat together with housemates Jade Goody and former S-Clubber, Jo S-Club, have made Bollywood star Shilpa Shetty a living hell with their racist bullying. Sheringham has reacted decisively by calling in a host of football and showbiz pals to re launch seventies sit-com "It Ain't Half Hot, Mum".

"Danielle has made some mistakes", Sheringham told intrepid Onion Bag reporter Larry Gak. "She's just got in with the wrong crowd - let's face it Jo was always the last choice of the S-Club girls after Rachel, Hannah and the one that looked like a young Jenny Powell."

Here to make you feel gay

Sheringham plans to take the show around the country to preach the message of peace and understanding which the series so successfully managed during it's long run on the BBC with its sensitive portrayal of Indians during the war as head-bobbing, cha-wallahs who so amusingly sung old standards with a heavy accent.

Series regulars Don Estelle and Windsor Davies have cleared their busy schedules to join Sheringham. Former pundit Ron Atkinson will be on hand to take the role of Ramgi Ran - the role played by the late Michael Bates. He's even providing his own boot polish.

Poppodum preach

The real winner in the whole sorry mess has been Shilpa Shetty who can look forward to a tremendous boost to her career when she leaves the house. Whether the British public is ready for a celebrity that has dignity and intelligence, only time will tell.

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Also in Issue 179