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Issue 345
23 October 2011
Updated Weekly

Alpay - The Face of Evil

OLD BAG: This is an archive story from Issue 18 - 17 Oct 2003
Alpay, David Beckham

Alpay: "Kneel before your dark lord while I barn dance"


Skeletor: "Oh puhlease! I'm the true dark lord"

Darth Vader

Vader: "Nonsense! I am Alpay's father!"

Cheap graphic

Former Turkish international and Aston Villa defender has been voted the most evil man in history by readers of The Onion Bag in our exclusive poll.

Banana banana!

This follows his outrageous antics and insulting behaviour towards our glorious leader David Beckham. The first being after he confronted the England skipper following his miss of a first half penalty because he slipped on a banana skin thrown from the crowd and again at half time when the hated Turk appeared to fail to poke Beckham in the eye.

Our poll, (see bottom of page)which was a thorough survey of the mood of The Onion Bags entire readership clearly proves that Alpay is none other than the Dark Lord himself.

Meanwhile, Alpay has been defending his actions. "I was furious with Beckham from the last time we met at Sunderland." he told Sky Sports News."He spat and blew kisses at me thereby undermining my god given sexuality which really upset me."


"In all my years of football I have never experienced such abuse." he rambled on,"No, really. Never. Such things never happens in football"

Alpay is currently in hiding somewhere in the west midlands hiding from outraged comedians after his club manager's decision to leave him out of this Sundays second city derby beween Aston Villa and Birmingham.

"The Brum derby has become a great comedy event in a very short space of time" said a leading satirist.

"The fact is, that last season, Villa v Birmingham games gave us, Peter Enkleman's antics in goal plus the hilarity of that rather effeminate guy who rans on to the pitch, all the way up to Robbie Savage before realizing how big he was and then making ineffectual gestures and finally, gratefully being rescued by security." he continued."Alpay's absence is a tragedy for comedy."

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Also in Issue 18