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Issue 345
23 October 2011
Updated Weekly

Chas 'n' Dave risk on the rise

OLD BAG: This is an archive story from Issue 183 - 19 Feb 2007
Chas 'n' Dave

Chas 'n Dave: Going to Wembley

Osvaldo Ardiles

Ozzie: Knees are trembley

Craig Bellamy

Bellamy: Assault and battery

Officials prepare for new single

Tottenham Hotspur's FA cup 5th round victory has put Public Health officials on Red Alert amidst concerns of a fresh outbreak of Chas 'n' Dave.


The North London rockney legends are as well known for the their love of Tottenham Hotspur as they are for their barrow boy folk tunes such as Rabbit, Down To Margate and The Sideboard Song. The pair released a number of hits in the 80s and 90s four of which were official Spurs FA cup songs. The most memorable was Ossie's Dream revived on the terraces by Spurs supporters in yesterday's 4-0 victory over the hapless Fulham.

No one can stop them

Fears are spreading that, should Spurs reach the final at Wembley, the duo may release another single. Dr Julius Limbani, Senior Lab Technician at the Centre for Infectious Discographies based in Croydon University fears that the public may be at risk of exposure if that happens.

"The last time Chas & Dave released an FA cup song was back in 1991", he told The Onion Bag's intrepid reporter Larry Gak. "I'll never forget that night they performed it on Top Of The Pops. The night air was full of unearthly screams and the hospitals were overrun with people crying out in agony as blood flowed from the ears. What a night to run out of cotton buds."

The earmuffs, they do nothing

Dr Limbani is worried that the emergency services will not be ready for a brand new strain of infectious ditty. "Back in the 80s we knew how to handle outbreaks but now... I'm afraid we lack the experience and resources to handle large bouts piano noodling and outbursts of inane lyricism. We tried to get the Wembley construction delayed for a year in the hope it would minimize the damage but it's too late. The que sera sera probability index has never been higher."

You're becoming a pest

While all eyes turn the the FA Cup Final draw the NHS are preparing a final solution should the worst happen and Tottenham make it to the Final. As a last resort they intend to kidnap the pair and send them on a golfing holiday with Craig Bellamy. The rest should take care of itself.

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Also in Issue 183