The Onion Bag: Occasionally humorous football satire
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Issue 345
23 October 2011
Updated Weekly

Lager louts

OLD BAG: This is an archive story from Issue 184 - 26 Feb 2007
Carling Cup brawl

I bet they drink Carling Black Label

John Terry, Abu Diaby

Did you spill my pint?


Marry and reproduce

Kids just want to 'Belong'

Brewing chiefs at Carling are livid after their show-piece final descended into violence. The display renewed calls from the beer industry to ban football from their advertising portfolios.

Working all the time

"We're working very hard on maintain our product's positive image," Marketing Director Ernesto Cockgroupier told the Onion Bag's intrepid reporter Larry Gak. "We don't want our lager associated with impaired judgment, brawling and getting your face kicked in."

Carling's latest ad campaign sees flocks of starlings flocking to the anthemic strains of Hard-Fi. The ads offer viewers the opportunity to belong through the purchase of lager.

"We thought we had found a perfect vehicle in football: lots of brainless followers willing to shell out large sums of money on rubbish just to feel like they're in the right crowd," Cockgroupier groaned. "All we have now is an undeserved association with over-excited youngsters showing off."

Work is such a bind

Arsenal had stuck with their policy of playing a team who if they were to try and purchase the sponsors product would need to adopt a deeper voice and avoid direct eye contact.

The dangers mixing of alcohol and young people together emerged only close to the end when after a largely entertaining match things started to turn nasty. Things apparently were said and pushes turned into shoves; the incident was finally broken up with instructions from both benches to "leave it" under the advice that it "wasn't worth it."

Got some money to spend?

The FA have released a statement reiterating their advice that Football should be enjoyed responsibly and in moderation.

Show you "belong" with our hilarious new t-shirt

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Also in Issue 184