The Onion Bag: Occasionally humorous football satire
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Issue 345
23 October 2011
Updated Weekly

Groom with a view

OLD BAG: This is an archive story from Issue 204 - 16 Jul 2007
Cristiano Ronaldo

Worrying increase in wrist injuries

Girl mechanic

Wannabe WAG: Surprisingly knowledgable about 1984 Alpina steering linkages


Facebook: Must stay at least 100 yards away from

Facebook corrupting my boys, warns Ferguson

Sir Alex Ferguson has banned his players from the internet. The grumpy Scot has became concerned that his younger players are being lured into having sex with wannabe WAGs through the social networking site Facebook.

The site allows people to get in contact with people of similar interests, but Ferguson believes that manipulative teenage girls are abusing the site for their own sexual gratification.

43/m/croydon lol

According to sources within the club, several players have already fallen victim to so-called "groomers": girls who disguise themselves as middle aged men, becoming experts in subjects such as football trivia and vintage car maintenance to gain the trust of these impressionable players. By the time they discover who they thought was a sad, lonely internet nerd is really a beautiful, sex-addicted female it can be too late.

Meadowsweet and haycocks dry

One traumatised squad player recounted his harrowing experience: "I'd been talking to 'Ken' online for a few weeks, we'd been discussing our mutual passion for GWR branch lines in Gloucestershire and Oxfordshire. We arranged to meet up for a trip to Adelstrop. When I got there, I was greeted by a 19 year old blonde girl with large breasts, wearing hardly any clothes - I felt so used."

Standing firm

The Onion Bag stands firmly at the shoulder of Sir Alex and has set up its own Facebook group to ensnare these evil foxy chicks before they can do any further harm. No mingers, OK.

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Also in Issue 204