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Issue 345
23 October 2011
Updated Weekly

The man in the iron masking agent

OLD BAG: This is an archive story from Issue 211 - 3 Sep 2007
Thaksin Shinawatra

Done before

Frank Sinatra

Too obvious

Trashcan Sinatras

Not funny

Shinawatra hides in plain sight

New Man City owner Thaksin Shinawatra is using a chemical disguise in the form of a masking agent to hide from the Thai Government it was revealed this morning.

The Onion Bag unmasked the scheme when their intrepid reporter Larry Gak caught sight of agents, believed to be working for the deposed Prime Minister in London's fashionable east-end. They were buying a new and revolutionary substance from a high street drug trader.

Back Street Boys

Masking agents are drugs that athletes take to hide steroid or other drug abuses when a random drug test is expected. It is tricky stuff and can cause lots of falling down if not take in moderation. This new drug, goes one step further and actually changes the physical features of whoever takes it allowing them to be mistaken for someone else entirely.

Is that you Mother?

Thaksin has need of such an agent since another another warrant for his arrest was issued by the Thai Government. The City sugar daddy is wanted for violating stock trading laws. There is also the small matter of unlawful killings to explain buta spokesmen for Mr Shiniwatra claims he has nothing to hide. "My client does not recognise any of the charges against him." said his lawyer Ernesto Cockgroupier. "In fact, he doesn't recognise anything right now. A symptom of the drug I guess."

Speculation abound as to what Thaksin actually looks like under his substance induced re-arrangement. Early suggestions of Frank Sinatra and the lead singer of the Trashcan Sinatras were dismissed as done before, too obvious and not that funny in the first place.

Heart-stopping moment

Meanwhile, the masking agent's creator Dr Julius Limbani of the Institute for Barely Legal Drugs at the University of Croydon was quick to reassure everyone that it was not dangerous. "My latest agent is perfectly safe." he told a local crack whore "The only possible problem may be if the person using it over-exerts themselves. Users should try to avoid heavy exercise like playing football. Otherwise their heart is liable to go pop."

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Also in Issue 211