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Issue 345
23 October 2011
Updated Weekly

Brooking to restore England's glory

OLD BAG: This is an archive story from Issue 212 - 10 Sep 2007
Pope Brooking

Brooking: political ambitions

Order of the Brown Nose

BBC: Order of the Brown Nose


Hoodies: never heard of Sir Trev, innit?

BBC loves Brooking's anti-foreigner crusade

Near dead-in-the-water broadcaster the BBC has been rocked by yet another scandal - a fawning, brown-nose of an article about England's Pope of Football, Sir Trevor Brooking.

The once august Corporation published the shameless article on its Sport website last week. It described how Brooking was surrounded by adoring 5-11 year-olds at an East End park as part of the FA's 'Kick Foreigners Out of Football' campaign.

Razzle In My Pocket

The wide-eyed article trumpeted, "The highlight for them was not the sport. It was the chance to talk to Sir Trevor."

And went on to lick up: "What comes across more than anything else when you speak to him is his passion for sport."

Clever Trevor

But The Onion Bag can reveal that the entire event was stage-managed and part of a bigger, right-wing conspiracy to whinge on about all the foreigners in the English game, not to mention a misguided attempt to try and make the eternally un-cool name 'Trevor' appeal to the younger generation.

Plaidstow Patricia

The Bag's intrepid reporter, Larry Gak, questioned some of the kids involved and found none of them even knew who Brooking was. "Wotz a Booking? I don't read no books nor nuffink, do I, innit?" one toerag uttered from beneath his grey hoody, surprisingly using the correct conjunction.

"I dunno who he was, but my dad said we should kick the shit out of anyone who starts talking to us in the park because he's probably one of them pediatricians, innit?" mumbled another while using the mobile phone he'd just stolen to simultaneously watch Big Brother highlights and video a good school chum being beaten to within an inch of his life.

Billericay Dickie

Pope Brooking was in the East End extolling the merits of fascism as the only way to get rid of Johnny Foreigner and restore England's fortunes as a great footballing nation. He is not the first papal officer to aid fascists, and plans to start a bullying, black-shirted political party in an effort to achieve his goal.

Last night, Brooking was said to be pleased that England had defeated Israel, describing the losers as untermensch.

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Also in Issue 212