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Issue 345
23 October 2011
Updated Weekly

Student grant

OLD BAG: This is an archive story from Issue 214 - 24 Sep 2007
Boss Nass

Grant: Happier times

Grange Hill Sausage

Hi-jinks (artist's impression)

Street football

Illegal & dangerous

Blues boss too cool for skool

The Onion Bag has learned that a series of practical jokes at coaching college prevented new Chelsea boss Avram Grant (pictured right) from gaining his UEFA Pro Licence.

Anno Mourinho

The new coach may not be allowed to stay as Chelsea manager following Jose Mourinho's death because he doesn't have a licence. The reason for this is because he was thrown out of UEFA College for being a bad boy.

"Avram was always fooling around," said his former teacher Dr Julius Limbani. "He'd do crazy things like blow rasberries whenever I walked past his desk and say 'Oi Sir! You could have waited.' Sometimes he'd take his teeth braces out and leave them inside the lady coaches textbooks to frighten them."

Foot in mouth

Despite Grant's antics he'd managed to avoid expulsion. However, he went too far when he released a swarm of bluetongue infected midges into the air vents and the whole place had to be quarantined for three months. "The collage mascot Lennart The Pig had to be destroyed," recalls Limbani. "No one could talk round their swollen tongues. There was spittle everywhere. Avram just laughed. After that he had to go. Shame really."

No ball games

"Coaching without a licence is dangerous and illegal," says UEFA spokesman William Galliard. "Because of unlicensed coaches, countless players have had their careers ruined by dodgy teaching methods and appalling facilities. Many children learn to play on the roadside or by the garages in housing estates. The noise they make crashing their balls against the doors always wakes me up."

Meanwhile, Chelsea Chief Executive Peter Kenyon insists Grant's lack of a Pro Licence will not stand in the way of him managing the side on a long-term basis. "We don't intend to employ him on a long term basis."

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Also in Issue 214