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Issue 345
23 October 2011
Updated Weekly

Stoned love

OLD BAG: This is an archive story from Issue 224 - 3 Dec 2007
Liverpool supporters

Casting the first stone

Liverpool supporters

Heal thyself

Rafael Nadal

Nadal: Must stay at least 100 yards away from

Woman pelted for naming cat after Kop God

A cat lover is in hospital this morning after being attacked by fanatical Liverpool supporting worshipers of their manager Rafa Benitez. Hamble Liteweight volunteers at a Cat Protection Shop on Merseyside and has angered Liverpool supporters by naming one of the rescued cats Rafa.

Life and death

Calling animals after the Liverpool manager is considered, by his followers, as blasphemous and an insult to their faith. "Naming beasts after Rafa (peace be upon him) is a slur against our beliefs," said Nick Dogbolter, spiritual leader and Anfield season ticket holder for twenty years. "Under Shanklia Law, it is forbidden to take His name in such a way. Carving Craven images is fine, but cats... it is unpardonable."

Pound the lot

According to sources within the supporter groups, Ms Liteweight was taken from her apartment and carried aloft through the streets while locals stood by and hurled rotten fruit at her. After they'd picked up the rotten fruit and put it back in their pantries, they assembled deep within the catacombs of Anfield whereupon she was tried and found guilty of incitement to religious hatred. She was however cleared of the more serious crime of insulting Liverpool which carries the sentence of death by slow whinging. As it is she got a thorough stoning instead.

Forehand smash

While Ms Liteweight recovers in her hospital bed, friends have rallied around to defend her: "Hamble had only lived in Liverpool for a few months and was not fully conversant with our laws," said a man who sits next to her at work but asked not to be named.

"She was only concerned about looking after abandoned cats," said a fellow volunteer at the Cat Protection League. "And besides, the cat wasn't named after Rafa Benitez (all praise be to him) but after Rafael Nadal the tennis player. She thinks he's well fit."

The Leopard Of Lime Street

Critics believe that this act, along with quasi religious pro Benitez marches, has taken their city to new levels of self-parody. Rafa worshippers have responded to this by going on another march. This time down to the shops and back. Meanwhile, the cat's life has been spared only to be renamed as Moyes the Infidel.

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Also in Issue 224