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Issue 345
23 October 2011
Updated Weekly

Craven Decision

OLD BAG: This is an archive story from Issue 240 - 31 Mar 2008
The car in front is a Toyota

Unlucky to hit the post

You wouldn't like him when he's angry, either

Al-Fayed - this time he's really mad

I think he must be a heavy smoker or something

Jimmy Bullard - somehow this man is only 29

Duke 'did not order' Fulham Relegation

Fulham's impending slide back into the Championship was not ordered by the Duke of Edinburgh, Lord Justice Sensible has this morning decreed in court. Surrounded by like-minded individuals who believed that only an idiot would think otherwise, the decision caused a wave of apathy amongst reporters and observers, some of whom left for an early lunch.

Hardly anyone cares

Propping up the bar at The Holocaust and Tree across the road from the High Court, our intrepid Larry Gak caught up with many of the main witnesses from this extraordinarily boring case. In spite of the anger likely to be expressed at the judge's decision from the club's Chairman, Fulham manager Roy Hodgson and his predecessor in the job, Lawrie O'Sanchez, said they were both "relieved and heartened" by the official decision.

He wants to be a Brit

"A lot of people had been muttering about MI6 plots, men behind grassy knolls, Government cover-ups, the fact that Fulham being in the Premier League was dangerous to the establishment. This ruling clarifies, once and for all, that Fulham are rubbish and I did an awful job there," O'Sanchez told us, nursing a Guinness. Hodgson later tearfully nodded in agreement.

QPR are shit

Despite the ruling, controversy still never seems too far away in this case. Fulham's exciting midfield butler Paul "Jimmy" Burrellard still faces accusations of perjury following his claim that Her Majesty the Queen "tripped him up" on the right wing in a derby game at Upton Park, and theft charges on the allegation that he stole the shin pads from injured rivals as they lay waiting to be stretchered off. Furthermore, in spite of the official dictate that Fulham "were not expecting" at the time of their huge crash, questions seem likely to be asked as to why it was that everyone else was expecting it.

The case, almost inevitably, will continue for a long, long time.

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Also in Issue 240