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Issue 345
23 October 2011
Updated Weekly

kaka's roman god

OLD BAG: This is an archive story from Issue 254 - 7 Jul 2008

Not now you don't

Andrei Arshavin


Roman Abramovitch

Wonderful service Father

Brazilian finds new religion

Roman Abramovitch's brand new religion has recruited its first high profile convert in the shape of Milan and Brazil superstar Kaka.

This is your God

The oligarch founded the First Church of Arshavin last week while watching the Russian forward in action during Euro 2008. Before that, Abramovitch was an atheist, preferring to have faith in his incredibly large bank balance instead.

Close friend and co-proprietor of the Onion Bag Vlad Nutchopov believes that the Chelsea owner is seeking new challenges and decided to start a new church. "Who better to name this church after than the great Arshavin" Nutchopov told our intrepid reporter Larry Gak. "Like so many religions he starts by offering you the World but by the time you realise its all a scam you've already given them a third of your income."

I Robot

At first theologians thought this was another flash in the pan religion like Issac Asimov's Positronists and the Anglican Church. However, in a celebrity obsessed society the conversion of Kaka promises to have many unfulfilled, hollow eyed dweebs joining him.

Kaka is delighted with the move and is already considering relocating to the Church's head-quarters in west London. "I belong to Roman now" he told a bewildered scripture group. "He has so much more to offer me than that Jesus guy. I can think of at least 150,000 reasons why I've made the right choice."

Stone me what a life

Our man Gak caught up with Jesus in his flat in Mitcham. "I'm not that disappointed." he admitted "Kaka was great for business but due to the unique way Christianity is funded I'm not allowed to profit from him. I dunno, there's fat bishops living the high life with whopping stipends and fancy clothes while muggins here is stuck with one bar on and a key meter. I can't even get Sky."

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Also in Issue 254