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Issue 345
23 October 2011
Updated Weekly

Ferguson in frame for Damned United 2

OLD BAG: This is an archive story from Issue 291 - 30 Mar 2009
To a cinema near you

Sequel: coming soon

Far beyond the...

Gerard: "role I have been waiting 500 years for"

Well, broke up, reformed, broke up reformed, and so on

The Damned: never broke up

Soccer sequel turns lens on Sir Alex

A sequel to current footie film "The Damned United" will focus on Sir Alex Ferguson's disastrous 14 days in charge of Manchester United that saw them lose a massive two games on the trot.

Dave Vanian

"The Damned United" is a fictional account of Brian Clough's famous 44-day stint at Leeds United in the 1970s, which ended unexpectedly after the outspoken manager summed up his players as a bunch of dirty fuckwits.

"Damned United 2", which is being produced by Sky Sports (Films) Ltd, will be rushed into production and be in cinemas before the Premier League resumes normal business next weekend after the international break.

Rat Scabies

Producer Ernesto Cockgrupier explained proudly, "We're overblowing this event into such a crisis with so much drama, it just had to be a film."

Captain Sensible

Eighty-nine of the film's 90-minute running time will use actual footage from United's successive defeats to Liverpool and Fulham.

"It will give it that authentic feel," claimed Cockgrupier. "The last minute will use CGI to give a happy ending, with Ronaldo and Rooney scoring double-hatricks each to turn the games around."

Punk pioneers

Buck Rogers in the 25th Century star Gil Gerard has been paid $5million to play the part of Ferguson. Mike Phelan will be played by Twiki.

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Also in Issue 291