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Issue 345
23 October 2011
Updated Weekly

Blair Wants To Manage Real

OLD BAG: This is an archive story from Issue 3 - 1 Jun 2003
Tony Blair

Blair: Faffing around with his mates

Tony Blair was placed 7/1 by bookies last night as he became the latest to throw his hat in the ring for the not vacant position as manager of Spanish giants Real Madrid by declaring that he "quite fancied a Real job."

It is thought that Mr Blair is seeking fresh challenges once his contract runs out in his current position as Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. However, the British supremo would not be prepared to leave the UK until he finishes his work on The War Against Terror.

"The PM is committed to subjugating the Middle East and would never leave while that is at such a critical stage of the season" said Blairs agent Alistair Campbell. "However, the election is due in the next couple of years and Tony is looking for fresh challenges in the event that he decides not to accept the Queen's invitation to form another government."

Campbell said he could not confirm, however, that the PM and Real President Florentino Perez had already met in the ruins of a hotel in Basra during Blair's recent visit to Iraq. "I understand there may have been a chance meeting but I don't know what was said."

Meanwhile, UK Chairman George W Bush said he was "unpeturbed" by the recent speculation. "I understand Madrid is a very nice place with some very friendly folk out there." However his mood changed when Donald Rumsfeld leaned across to whisper something into his ear. "What!" the President exclaimed, "I thought you said he was going on holiday! God damn it. Get Gordon Brown on the horn. Ask where he stands on regime change."

Tony Blair himself remained tight lipped on the subject. "Of course I'm always looking forward to the future for me... and for Britain." Blair stated in a press conference before he made a recent speech on European integration. "After all there are many challenges ahead: defeating terrorism, ending poverty, higher standards of education and healthcare. Not to mention three points at the Nou Camp"

"But that doesn't mean" - he insisted after telling us that we'd better clear our desks if we quoted him on that last part - "that I'm prepared to depart from my historic destiny as the man who restored the British Empire to it original glory... oh and you can scrub that bit as well."

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Also in Issue 3