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Issue 345
23 October 2011
Updated Weekly

Brown Bonkers

OLD BAG: This is an archive story from Issue 317 - 28 Sep 2009
Phil Brown

Brown: Some people think he's bonkers

Shell shock: Just like Goal Shock only not crass and self indulgent

Susan Sarandon

Susan Sarandon: Must stay at least 100 yards away from

Hull boss steals a car and heads for a cliff

Reports are coming in that Hull City manager Phil Brown has finally gone mad! Brown has been fighting against insanity for some months now but has gone over the edge after watching his team concede their tenth goal in the last two games.

Like storm-bewilder'd seas

The swarthy geordie football manager is said to be suffering from the condition commonly known as 'goal shock'. He has been driven mad by the memory of a constant stream of balls raining down like a hail of bullets. Soldiers of World War 1 suffered something similar only much more serious and deadly.

The tipping point for Brown finally came after the 6-1 defeat at Anfield. He stole an open top car and sped away, just like Susan Sarandon in Thelma And Louise. Eventually, he was found on a cliff side in Durham a few metres behind from the edge, his pink jersey soaked with tears. The car had run out of petrol just short of oblivion.

Frontier psychiatry

Brown was transported to the Institute For Over Indulgent Midlife Crises at Croydon University Hospital. There, under the care of Dr Julius Limbani, he is undergoing intensive karaoke therapy and laser stubble removal. "The toughest challenge will be detaching the patient from his earpiece." Dr Limbani told our intrepid reporter Larry Gak. "He has bestowed a portion of his own personality to the device and refuses to be separated from it. He claims it holds all his secrets."

10 point deduction

Critics are skeptical and say that reports of Brown's madness are exaggerated. They believe that the whole story is a publicity stunt and will be used as a pretext to sack Brown. Last night, the parking space for his Harley Davidson at the KC Stadium was quarantined by club officials and the local tanning salon has gone into administration.

In other news, Roy Keane has been placed under 24 hour observation.

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Also in Issue 317