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Issue 345
23 October 2011
Updated Weekly

Ball Gagged

OLD BAG: This is an archive story from Issue 320 - 19 Oct 2009
Liverpool Beachball

Beachball: Gagging order

Sunset Beach

That beach could be anywhere

Girls of the Playboy Mansion

Girls of the Playboy Mansion: Must stay at least 100 yards away from

Bag injuncted by beachball

The Onion Bag has been gagged by a super injuction from solicitors of the Liverpool Beachball.

Our intrepid reporter Larry Gak has had literally twenty minutes of painstaking investigative journalism muzzled by lawyers for the ball which shot to stardom after scoring an own goal for Sunderland against Liverpool on Saturday.


Just as we were about to publish the story we were contacted by the Beachball's lawyer Cunter Rock and told that an injunction was being sought to block publication. This has astonished and surprised the editorial team here in the Tactics Truck as we had only just made up the story a couple of minutes before the call was received.


We can't tell you why we've been prevented from delivering this sizzling exclusive to you but can assure you that it has nothing to do with the ball's alleged presence on a beach in Majorca last week around the same time as Stephen Gately's death. The circumstances around the Boyzone stars tragic passing has been called into question by the Daily Mail who revealed that civil partnerships can cause heart attacks, as can exploding inflatables.


The Onion Bag can also assure its readers that the story had nothing to do with allegations that the Beachball was embroiled in a plot to kidnap a six year old child by carrying him away to a mountain top complex and demanding a ransom.

Online community activist Les Dyke is furious that the Bag has been gagged and has launched a heavily orchestrated Internet campaign against the solicitors. Within minutes the designated Twitter hash tag #ballgagged was the number one trending topic on Twitter until it was removed by the moderators after being hi-jacked by a ring of sexual deviants.


Onion Bag Editor Duffman expressed his dissapointment at not being able to bring you this startling news. "Alas this story will have to be filed under our Forbidden Bags that we dare not publish. These include 'Notts County Owned By Girls Of The Playboy Mansion' and 'Ken Bates Found Living in Afghan Cave'"

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Also in Issue 320