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Issue 345
23 October 2011
Updated Weekly

Walcott Brain Boycott

OLD BAG: This is an archive story from Issue 336 - 3 Sep 2010

Can they save Theo's brain?

Wallcott's brain quits England

Theo Walcott's brain has sensationally retired from international football on the eve of England's Euro 2012 qualifying campaign.

The 21 year old cerebellum announced its retirement on its Twitter account last night. Later, its agent sited "personal reasons" for the decision to quit.

Mindless criticism

Many believe that the premature departure of Walcott's medulla oblongata is down to vociferous criticism from more much cleverer ex-footballers now working for the BBC who have criticised the England star for "not having a football brain"

The decision couldn't have come at a worse time for beleaguered England manager Fabio Cappello. The wily Italian has already been embarrassed recently by Paul Robinson's ego, Wes Brown's capacity for self delusion and John Terry's libido.

Body matters

At present, neither the FA or Arsenal FC have confirmed if Walcott's body plans to join his brain in international exile. According to one insider the player is "having problems concentrating at the moment for some reason".

Some experts have not ruled out the possibility of young Theo using someone else's cerebrum instead. Dr Julius Limbani, Head of Gray Matters at the University of Croydon believes a transplant is possible.

Pass and B Movie

"I am perfectly qualified to perform the procedure." he told the Onion Bag "It will be just like that movie They Saved Hitler's Brain only we won't use Hitler's brain naturally. I have other plans for that."

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Also in Issue 336