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Issue 345
23 October 2011
Updated Weekly


OLD BAG: This is an archive story from Issue 41 - 5 Apr 2004

Stelios: Never worked a day in his life



King Abdullah

Abdullah: Still no broadband

High budget stars to get low budget treatment

Europe's top clubs have started legal proceedings against Fifa to try to get compensation for the use of their players at the World Cup. The so-called G14 of top European clubs, which includes Real Madrid, Manchester Utd, and Glentoran, are trying to end Sepp Blatter's conscription of players for major tournaments, from which they sometimes come back knackered. As international and club football looks set to get embroiled in a face-off to rival the Cuban Missile Crisis, the Onion Bag can reveal an unlikely saviour in the form of easyEverything magnate, Stelios Haji-Ioannou.

Stelios, of course, found fame (Daddy gave him the fortune) attaching his grammatically questionable easyBrand to airlines, car rentals, web cafes, and whores. Now he's set his sights on acting as a broker between clubs, countries and Fifa by renting top players out for international competitions.

Almost A Press Release

easyPlayer will open up the cream of the world's talent to the wealthiest countries. Previously crap international sides like Jordan and Egypt could turn their football fortunes around by hiring the likes of David Beckham, Thierry Henry, and Stan Lazirides from easyPlayer to turn out in their colours. Stelios told the Bag, "Allo peeps. Stelios ere. easyPlayer. Iss great, innit? Fifa, dey is happy because they not gettin' flippin' well sued by dirty scumbag lawyers. De clubs, dey get compensation if their player he come back crocked - iss like car rental, innit? Any scratch on de player, you pay through the noses. And shitty footballing countries like Algeria, dey get galaticos players. Everyones is winning, innit peeps."

Players will be available through the easyPlayer website at low-cost rates. The Onion Bag called Northern Ireland boss Lawrie Sanchez and told him about the new site and suggested he could get some decent players. "Yeah, I've had a look. Ronaldo for £250-a-day. Sadly, the Northern Ireland FA just doesn't have that kind of money."

56k Dial-Up

So we called mega-rich His Majesty King Abdullah II King of The Hashemite Kingdom of Jordan but he told us to get off the line as he needed to plug his PC into the palace's one phone socket and visit easyplayer to replace his entire squad...

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Also in Issue 41