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Issue 345
23 October 2011
Updated Weekly

Reality TV Comes To Football

OLD BAG: This is an archive story from Issue 49 - 7 Jun 2004
Hells Lisbon

Coming Soon

Alex Best

Best: Must stay at least 100 yards away from

Doctor Doom

Dr Doom: Clenching

Hells Lisbon set to be summer smash

UEFA have announced the launch of a new Reality TV show to be aired this summer featuring footballers from 16 European countries to participate in a "Reality Football" tournament.

The teams will all be brought together in to a single country near Spain and live TV cameras will film them as the play against each other with the images being beamed live to television audiences around the globe.. After the first two weeks, eight of the teams will be "evicted" and sent home.

Cash in

The show will be titled Hells Lisbon and is the brainchild of FIFA's new media consultant Ernesto Cockgroupier. "Everyone's watching reality TV these days." he told The Onion Bag. "Hit shows like [%B Hells Kitchen %B] and [%B Big Brother %B] are huge successes in the ratings and with advertisers. We feel that Soccer's format lends itself to live broadcast so we are cashing in."

Every few days the participats will play each other in football matches which will be broadcast by various different TV Stations across the world with both BBC and ITV sharing the English coverage which will be hosted by Gary Lineker, Des Lynam with expert analysis from Alan Hansen, His Holiness Pope Trevor I and Alex Best. Not Ron Atkinson though.


However UEFA have recieved some critisism for the programmes proposed format after their decision to include Latveria, a fictional east european country. However, Latverian Head Of State Dr Victor Von Doom dismissed accusations of nation duplication from the Latvian F.A.. "We fear no recriminations from the puny Latvians. [UEFA Cheif] Sepp Blatter knows what is expected of him." He said clenching his fist threateningly.

No names please

Meanwhile, The organisers have warned viewers to expect fireworks both on and off the pitch. "We shall certainly see some colourfull characters." said Cockgroupier. "In the England team alone we have a sex crazed love cheat, a man who was once accused of gang rape and will coached by a money grabbing bald guy who likes to shag weather girls. We were even hoping to get the worlds most famous spit roaster but he could'nt handle his drugs so we told him to get f**ked."

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