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Issue 345
23 October 2011
Updated Weekly

Chechen Rebels Take Over At The Cottage

OLD BAG: This is an archive story from Issue 6 - 7 Jul 2003
Chris Coleman

Coleman: Will pay for the damage

Chechen rebels

Chechens: Looking forward to the start of the season

Al Fayed

Fayed: None of it's true

In a dramatic move today. Fulham FC were taken over by a consortium of Chechen rebels vowing to take the fight to there long time and bitter enemies Chelsea.

According to The Onion Bag's terrible correspondent (Shurely thats "terror"-Ed) the separatist from the Russian province seized power at the the west London club by barricading themselves inside Craven Cottage and refusing to come out until Fulhams owner Mohamed Al Fayed surrendered a fifty one per cent share in the club.

The siege went on for hours before Harrods boss Fayed agree to a settlement and The Chechens were unveiled at a press conference as the new controlling interest at the club.

Apparently a deal was brokered whereby the Rebels will run the Football Club (currently playing their home fixtures at QPR) and Al Fayed keeps Craven Cottage, the Prime Riverside property with has been unoccupied since Fulham's quite sensible decision to move to Loftus Road last season.

Moving away from that subject. The bosses at Fulham announced their intentions to "Rid themselves of the evil oppressors who have taken our homeland. We shall start with the liberation of our erstwhile neighbors in Chelsea."

"This is a great day for Fulham Football Club" said manager Chris Coleman. "I'm not sure that there will be a much money to spend in the transfer market but our never say die without taking a load of other people with us spirit will count for a great deal next season." he continued while holding aloft his Kalashnikov and firing it into the ceiling of the Loftus Road conference room.

Roman Abramovich is not a gangster.

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Also in Issue 6