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Issue 345
23 October 2011
Updated Weekly

Mellow Yellow

OLD BAG: This is an archive story from Issue 71 - 8 Nov 2004
Thierry Henry

La grande boule

Child labour

Skilled craftsmanship


Donovan: Quite rightly

New ball heals rift between giants

Fierce rivals Arsenal and Manchester United have reconciled their bitter feud that has blighted the back pages over recent weeks. The Nike shirt-wearing clubs have put the unsavoury goings-on at old Trafford last month behind them and cite the introduction of the new yellow ball in this weekend's premiership matches as the reason.

Car salesman

"The ball is beautiful and much better than the last one" said Manchester United midfielder and Nike boot-wearing Paul Scholes. "It's superb and really ignited my va-va-voom" said Arsenal striker and Nike boot-wearing Thierry Henry.

Swish shop

Nike spokesman, Rik Smarm, told the Onion Bag "The new ball's colour was chosen by Zen Bhuddist monks to promote a spirit of harmony in those who play with it." Indeed both clubs seem to have chilled out immeasurably - so much so that neither could be bothered to win their respective matches at the weekend (Oh really? - Ed).

"And look at the fine quality of the stitching" continued Smarm, "you only get from the tiny, nimble fingers of Pakistani street children."

Ho ho ho

He went on to give us some pseudo-scientific babble about it being easier to see in wintry conditions. He vehemently denied that the new ball is simply a cheap marketing stunt to flog some extra balls to impressionable children for Christmas only for it to disappear forever come February.

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Also in Issue 71