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Issue 345
23 October 2011
Updated Weekly

Reds In Dodgy Kit Scandal

OLD BAG: This is an archive story from Issue 8 - 3 Aug 2003
Old Manchester United kit

Loud and proud

Old Manchester United kit

Newton Heathen

David Beckham

Too embarrassed to wear shirt

Manchester United came under fire today as charges were leveled at the club by the Office of Fair Trading (OFT) for producing "terrible football kits" and were fined £1.5 million.

"The OFT finds", announced some government spokesman or another "That Manchester United deliberately sanctioned the sale of really awful looking replica football shirts."


In a report by the OFT the Reds were accused of manufacturing terrible looking sports apparel "with shocking and excessive regularity which encouraged customers to go out and buy this rubbish."

"This is a great result for consumers everywhere" said Jim Trouncefoot from the Consumers and General Whinging Busybodies Association (and life long United fan) said today from his home in Exeter. "For years I and other parents have had our lack of self control and inability to say no to our kids exploited by United and have been forced to buy some truly hideous kits. At last the nightmare is over."

Deaf ears

The English champions have hit back at the charges. Earlier today a United spokesman from the Red Devils temporary underground complex 200 meters below the Manhattan subway system while on a pre season tour of The USA said: "We utterly refute any allegations that out kit manufacturers produce rude, offensive or just plain rubbish football kits and intend to appeal against this hefty fine imposed on us."

However the appeal is likely to fall on deaf ears as the OFT said that they had repeatedly cautioned the Champions League winners about their shirt design policy for over a decade.

Stealth Shirts

The controversy began with that blue and white flashy thing from the early nineties and reached it's peak with those short lived gray "stealth shirts" a few years later which were originally designed for the US Army but backfired horribly at one match against Southampton at The Dell whereby the United players couldn't find each other and subsequently lost the game 6-2.

Asked to comment on the decision, manager Sir Alex Ferguson said, "What the f**k has this got to do with me. Why can't you c**ts just leave me alone. I'm watching the f**king racing."

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Also in Issue 8