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Issue 345
23 October 2011
Updated Weekly


OLD BAG: This is an archive story from Issue 80 - 31 Jan 2005

Newcastle training ground

Craig Bellamy

Bellamy: Atrocity

Graeme Souness

Souness: Victim

An evil that must never be repeated

World leaders and football fans were gathered together today in remembrance of a crime against humanity that left scars on a race and changed history forever. All of those present declared they would never forget the horror of Friday 21st January 2005, a date burned in the annals of history - the date when Craig Bellamy decided he wasn't going to play for Newcastle United anymore.

Final Solution

It began at Newcastle's training ground when twisted Bellamy, who dreams of ruling the world, lied to the club by saying he'd hurt his leg when he was in fact fit. Asked to explain himself to manager Graeme Souness, Bellamy said he was fed up playing in midfield. He was then left out of the squad that lost to Arsenal. Subsequent spats on TV saw Bellamy accuse Souness of lying and vice versa, culminating in the player being transfer-listed and fined a massive £80,000.

Scenes From Hell

The world was shocked. Some questioned how it could be allowed to happen, while others thought the authorities did not do enough to prevent it. Survivors of the bust-up get tearful to this day when they remember what they saw on that cold January morning. One such survivor, who spent five years at the training ground, was Horst Millichip."Yes, it was terrible. I was cleaning the players' cars as usual when I heard raised voices. People were being sent to the showers. It was the end of training. I knew what would happen to them. Craig and Graeme were shouting at each other. It was a scene from hell."

Busted Bollocks

At the ceremony to remember those who suffered, world leaders were firm in their insistence that this would never be allowed to happen again. Prime Minister Tony Blair said, "I hope we never see the likes of Craig Bellamy again." US President George Bush added, "The punishmentification of Bellamy can never be enough." Movingly, Souness closed the ceremony: "If that Welsh fucker ever thinks he's playing for me again, I'll bust his bollocks in a dark alley..."

The ceremony was momentarily disrupted by right-wing Disagreement Deniers who maintain that Bellamy is innocent and the tragedy is a fiction created by Newcastle United to persecute the striker.

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Also in Issue 80