The Onion Bag: Occasionally humorous football satire
"Football satire at its finest"
"Cruel, heartless b*st*rds" Fox Sports
"Will have you laughing like a drain"
Issue 345
23 October 2011
Updated Weekly

Tory Plan For Immigrant League

OLD BAG: This is an archive story from Issue 82 - 14 Feb 2005

Think Tank: No racialists them

Ashley Cole

Ashley: Not Chelsea bound

Gary Neville

Neville: Ice Pick

Blue rinses get to grips with coloureds

In the run up to this May's General Election, the Conservative party have decided to include in their manifesto the formation of an "Immigrant Football League" where all football players of non white extraction will play.

The policy has been adopted from recommendations in a report by right wing think tank Old Moleslian Review who believe that English culture is being eroded by the presence of non English footballers amongst the professional Leagues.

And I'll...

The key point of the report states: "The white Anglo Saxon's who play the beautiful game have the right to express their own footballing ethnicity free of cultural pollution from afro Caribbean's and swarthy southern Europeans."

"To that end." the report continues, "We belief that a new immigrant league be set up to allow Britain's ethnic population the opportunity to explore their own cultural identities. Preferably in east London or Birmingham or any other place where we whites dare not live."

The new policy has left anti racist campaigners speechless (for once) at the prospect of players like Christiano Ronaldo, Didier Drogba and even Englishmen like Rio Ferdinand and Ashley Cole being exiled from the Premiership.

..tell yer...

The Conservative Spokesman for Racial Purity Dr Edmund Nig-Nog-Bosch believes that the new measure will prove to be popular but denies accusations of racism. "We are definitely not playing the race card. This new policy addresses the legitimate concerns of all right thinking white folk. No longer should these freeloading chancers from overseas dominate our midfields, score our goals or roast our women. This puts the English clogger back in control of the English game."

The Government have not officially commented on the new Tory policy but sources close to the Prime Minister suggest that they will most probably "... slag it off at first then nick the idea in a couple of weeks and pass it off as our own."

...summin' else

Community activist and Manchester United full back Gary Neville was appalled at the idea and is considering a naked protest for the next England game assuming he recovers in time from an Ice Pick attack from a mysterious assailant last week. "All I saw were his trainers." He said. "Then he was gone in a swish."

The Onion Bag asked the FA for comment but our queries were met with an injunction. Quite right too.

Copyright © 2003 - 2022 The Onion Bag

Also in Issue 82