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Issue 345
23 October 2011
Updated Weekly


OLD BAG: This is an archive story from Issue 86 - 14 Mar 2005
Barcelona vs Chelsea

Fracas: Problem

Gerry Adams

Adams: Possible solution

Reverand Ian Paisley

Paisley: Balanced

Terrorists offer UEFA solution to Chelsea-Barca fracas

The IRA yesterday offered to end the tedious and long-running feud between Chelsea and Barcelona by killing those involved. The two clubs have been bickering endlessly since the first leg of their Champions League match a few weeks ago, and the trouble continued after the recent second leg at Stamford Bridge which saw the London club win through.

Democratic Process

Speaking at a press conference, IRA mouth and Sinn Fein leader Gerry Adams said, "We feel this has gone on long enough. The quickest way to end it is to kill those involved. We propose to shoot the first-born child in every team. And both managers." This isn't the first time the IRA have tried to solve problems by killing people. Most recently, they laughably and insensitively tried to placate the family of a man beaten to death by drunken IRA thugs by offering to kill those responsible.

Strong Message

UEFA is thought to be giving the offer serious consideration after failing to defuse the situation themselves. Spokesman Bent Kum told The Onion Bag, "We told Chelsea and Mourinho to shut up but they wouldn't. And Mr Rijkaard of the Barcelona, he just spat on me when I go to see him. Shooting them both, and some of the players, will send a strong message to clubs, and who better to do it than the IRA?

Earlier today, in fact at around 3am in a west London nightclub, Jose Mourinho responded to the threat. "Mourinho does not fear puny Irishmen. Mourinho is invincible," he said confidently in the company of half a dozen enormous, tooled-up, shaven-headed ex-KGB goons now in the employ of legitimate businessman Roman Abramovich.

Political Balance

We asked Protestant bullhorn the Reverend Ian Paisley what he thought of the IRA's offer but he just kept saying that the Pope is the anti-Christ. We told him, no he isn't, he's a Palace fan.

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Also in Issue 86