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Van Clenchmonker: Eye for an opportunity

Tactics Truck: Headquarters

Bussell: Must stay at least 100 yards away from

In that heady and turbulent spring of 2003, Willhelm Van Clenchmonker arrived from his native land with no more than an old eastern European steam powered computer and a dream.

Play up

After performing party tricks to the admiring sailors on the streets of Portsmouth, Van Clenchmonker raised enough cash to set up his first website chimneyfetish.com. After its staggering success, he launched a whole new range of porn fetish websites including extinguisherfetish.com, waterbuttfetish.com and of course fetishfetish.com.

Tax dodge

Given the staggering success of these sites, Van Clenchmonker realised that he had far more money than he was prepared to give to the Inland Revenue and launched his first non-filth site, The Onion Bag. A satirical site about the crazy and corruptible world of association football. The title is inspired from old expression for a goal net.

Van Clenchmonker engaged the services of a crack(pot) team from some of the best writers in England whose only payment was free accommodation and booze allowance plus unlimited access to the Clenchmonker fetish sites.

Beautiful day

As good as his word, Van Clenchmonker obtained for the writers the Tactics Truck. A mobile football nerve centre previously used by ITV Sport's Andy Townsend to invite disinterested footballers in to review the match they had just played terribly in and ask them inane questions during ITV's ill conceived and short lived early evening highlights programme "The Premiership". To this day the bag's writers tour the length and breadth of the land conjuring up ludicrous observations, misguided missives, and utterly false news headlines with the odd gag thrown in. The result is "The best football site the web has to offer."*

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Disclaimer

None of anything that is written in The Onion Bag is even remotely true. None of the quotes from public figures were ever spoken by anyone, ever, therefore none of it is defamatory.

* Litigation Monthly

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