the name's the thing

Johnny Pundit: You have me at a disadvantage

Fruit cake: Cure

Cure: Fruit cake

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Johnny P gets indignant about The Order of Things

Funny old thing, Football. For instance, clubs. Like Russell Hoult's bottom, there's a lot of up and down. In my day, having a top division without Wolves would have been highly irregular. Stout name, Wolves...

A freakshow without Accrington Stanley

…but that's nothing to the sheer freakshow of the current names meandering about the Premium League like Reading and Wigan. What happened to Accrington Stanley? Preston North End?

Newcastle, Aston Villa and Spurs ought to be running the show, not also-rans. I suppose you couldn't quite call them sleeping giant. But you might venture they're on the large size and excessively partial to an after-dinner nap. It all seems very odd to me.

Bring your own sandwiches

For people of a certain age, and I'm certain I'm that age, certain names are tattooed across the inner memory as naturally belonging to the top flight. Leicester City, Manchester City, Birmingham City. There tended to be a geographical fairness to it – name a major city, stick 'City' after it and there was your first division. Now any barrow boy or mobile phone wallah with a few million quid sinks it into his local team, and before you know it Basingstoke United are playing Arsenal, and Leeds are travelling Standard Class to Crewe (bring your own sandwiches). It's just not proper.

Ms Change: phwoaar

They tell me I should welcome change. I would if it were any good. Give me rocket packs, rub-on cures for Cancer and Viagra on prescription, and you'd have me embracing change as eagerly as if it were one of Mr Hoult's ladyfriends. Until then, everything's wrong and cake's the only cure.

Till next week,

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