Jose quit truth: I'm no longer human!

Jose: star child?

Bone: to blame?

Arthur C Clarke: not to be confused with Steve Clarke

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• 2001
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Special One evolves into new life form

Jose Mourinho's departure from Chelsea is not as has been suggested by mutual consent, rather the simple fact that the "special one" has ascended to a higher plane of existence.

2001

The Portuguese sensationally quit the Stamford Bridge outfit last week, in case you didn't know. But he was not fired, nor did he quit, nor was he overcome as a result of a strange meteor in Peru as one illustrious organ reported.

2010

What actually happened was that a monkey tossed a bone into the air a few million years ago which somehow triggered the birth of a new life form, or "star child", in the form of Jose Mourinho.

The Onion Bag's intrepid reporter Larry Gak asked bockety old sci-fi boffin Arthur C Clarke if he thought that was possible, but he could only dribble onto the floor.

2046

With their guru and talisman leaving the planet for new adventures beyond the stars, the future looks bleak for Chelsea. Some experts fear the club will regress in the same that its former manager has leaped forward.

One unnamed insider fears, "It's quite possible we'll see the return of Paul Furlong, Robert Fleck and Chris Sutton."

1999

Meanwhile, the job of replacing Mourinho in the long-term remains open. Assistant manager Steve Clarke told us, "I've spoken to some colleagues in the game. Sammy Lee, Brian Kidd, and Chris Hutchins all think I have what it takes to make the step up from assistant to boss. After that, who knows? But I'd like to follow in Jose's footsteps and start a new lifeform."

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Also in Issue 214

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Blues boss too cool for skool The Onion Bag has learned that a series of practical jokes at coaching college prevented new Chelsea boss Avram Grant (pictured right) from gaining his UEFA Pro Licence.

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Mourning Mourinho

Johnny laments the passing of a sub-editor's dream Funny old thing, Football. For instance, Sir Jose of Stamford. Like hacks all over the world, I'm mourning Mourinho. The man's a copy magnet. Someone took our story away.

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Berlusconi: Get Mourinho

Il Duce writes for the Onion Bag In his final column for the Onion Bag, Il Duce Silvio Berlusconi states why Mourinho should manage his beloved Milan.

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The On-Hand Bag

Makeover to capitalise on success of women's football team The England women's team have returned home to a heroine's welcome following their exit from the World Cup being held in China. Despite a promising start, the team failed to get the ball past sturdy-thighed stunnah, Hope Solo, as they crashed out 3-0 to the USA.

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