Man U Mentalism

Ferguson: Mental powers

Keegan: Driven mad

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Fergie's mind games revealed

Speculation continues to mount that Alex Ferguson is using the power of his brain to control the actions of rival Premier League managers.

Sir Alex's mental powers are legendary. He has been known the use his mind to stretch the space-time universe and make football matches last longer than they should.

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Back in 1996 he altered the brain of then Newcastle United coach Kevin Keegan to such an extent that Keegan lost control of his faculties live on TV and began ranting like a maniac. It is widely held that Keegan instructed his Newcastle team to adopt bizarre tactics which lead them to surrender a double-digit lead of the Premiership. On one occasion at Ewood Park, Keegan instructed his team to 'play backwards'.

While Keegan never truly recovered from the experience, other managers have been able to survive Fergie's mental onslaughts.

Duck

Harry Redknapp very nearly fell into a pit of insanity after Ferguson used his awesome telekinetic powers to alter the path of a flying a ball so it hit Redknapp on his head. Redknapp himself overcame the ordeal and was able to rescue his career. The player who initially kicked the ball was not so lucky and was murdered dropped by Redknapp.

Recently, Liverpool manager Rafa Benitez was compelled by external forces to write a 52 page diatribe condemning Ferguson and read it out in a press conference. At Villa, coach Martin O'Neill has taken to constant erratic leaping around his technical area, pulling at his hair and otherwise degrading himself as if being controlled by some invisible puppet master.

I'm disappointed in you Elizabeth

Old Trafford insiders have begun to express concern that Ferguson's powers are corrupting him and he is mutating into a super being like that bloke off Star Trek. The Onion Bag sent its intrepid reporter Larry Gak to investigate. It turns out that Sir Alex is a fair minded sportsman who has never used his powers for evil. In fact he does not have any mental powers and the last 334 words you have just read have all been made up. Got that?

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