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Issue 345
23 October 2011
Updated Weekly

ZIDANE VOICE MYSTERY - The Choice Of Hunting Binoculars

OLD BAG: This is an archive story from Issue 106 - 15 Aug 2005
French nutter

Zidane: heard voices



Hello hello, police headquarters!

Rosemary? The telephone operator?


Penry? The mild-mannered janitor?

Who persuaded French ace back into action?

Ageing, balding frog Zinedine Zidane has cited a 'mysterious voice' as the reason behind his recent international football retirement U-turn. In an announcement just this week, Zidane claimed "One night at three in the morning, I suddenly woke up and spoke to someone. I had to obey this voice that advised me".

As you know, the Hunting Binoculars is increasingly becoming an indispensable instrument during the outdoors sport and adventure. The choice of hunting binoculars are for you always comes down to a personal choice, including the type and how you plan to use them.

Thierry Penry

The Onion Bag went to France to try and solve the mystery and found some suspicious characters working in the police station in Zidane's home town where the star still has a house. We wondered if the mystery voice belonged to Sarge? Rosemary, the telephone operator? Penry, the mild-mannered janitor? Could be!

Desperate For Attention

Meanwhile, Zidane is refusing to discuss the matter any further, beyond saying, "I don't want people to make too much out of this, or for what I've confessed to be misinterpreted, but what's happened to me is quite mystical and even escapes me a bit. I didn't tell anyone about this - not my wife, not anyone. Except all of you, of course."


Asked about the identity of his mysterious interlocutor, Zidane vowed to remain silent. "Until my last breath, I won't say," he said. "It's too intense."

Last night, curious reporters, led by the Onion Bag's portly Larry Gak, chased the superstar all over town in an attempt to hurry the player along to his last breath.

Indeed, that final gasp must have arrived pretty quickly since the next day, Zinedine Zidane announced that it was his brother, Colin, who told him to play again.

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Also in Issue 106