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Issue 345
23 October 2011
Updated Weekly

the green who stole christmas

OLD BAG: This is an archive story from Issue 175 - 19 Dec 2006
Alan Green

Green: Christmas hit!

Christmas fixtures: Half inched

George Lazenby

Bond at Christmas

A seasonal soccer panto to warm your heart

This festive period, the hilarious new pantomime The Green Who Stole Christmas will have every footy fan emptying his wallet in hysteria.

Fed up of missing turkey sandwiches and bubble & squeak on Boxing Day, BBC radio football commentator Alan Green, aided by a band of disgruntled fellow hacks, plot to take the "nick" from Saint Nick and steal Christmas.

Up all the earlier

Green and his cohorts have become twisted with resentment because of having to work over the Christmas period. They long to have normal jobs where they don't have to go watch football during the festive season, for instance in retail or call centre employment. But because of their crippling alcohol dependancy they could never afford to quit their jobs, so they resort to evil machinations and steal Christmas from millions of football fans just so they can skip off work to watch an old Bond movie instead.

Setanta baby

On Christmas Eve morning, Santa Barwick wakes up to find that all the seasonal fixtures for the Premier and Football League have been stolen. Santa teams up with the mischievous Skyladdin to track the evil Green to his lair in darkest Shepherds Bush and recover the Christmas programme or face the horror of The Empty Schedules.

This is a heart-warming story of outraged TV executives, crazy scheduling, over-paid, self important journalists and a little boy called Wayne who finally learns the true meaning of Christmas.

The players

The Green who stole Christmas is on from December 18th upstairs at the Purley Arms, South Croydon and stars Alan Green with Brian Barwick as Santa, Jeff Stelling as Skyladdin, Richard Scudamore as Wishy Washy and Lord Stevens has himself. Tickets cost £50. Ten pint minimum.

Contains mild football.

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Also in Issue 175